?

Log in

No account? Create an account
About this Journal
Current Month
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31
Jul. 20th, 2011 @ 05:58 pm Who will unleash the Monster within Poem
 In a life time
of dreams and hopes

One single day
one single night
one single dream

can crush every fiber
of our being can tear out our souls

To finely comb through
our bodies
to finely cleanse our minds

we build up another person
another soul that took the place
of the weak ill fated child
we once were

instead stormy shadows crawl into place
instead this emotionless being
stands in the wake of new dreams
of new found hope

but in reality, does this suit anyone?
Does the mask really show us
that being emotionless
makes us stronger
makes us firmer
makes us grow and understand nature
and people with different lives?

Thoughts of being weak
thoughts of being stronger
stir through our minds
each and every day
each and every waking minute

But what makes us
can break us
into something we don't like
into something that we don't know the name of
but fear it all the while

can we truly embrace that?
that darkness everyone talks about?
that shadow, that lurks behind our mind's eye
that droplet of truth
that droplet of sanity
that droplet of morality
that's suppose to makes us who we are????

but lets take it to another notch
shall we...
what if that person
is stripped of truth
is stripped of sanity
is stripped from morality
what do you have instead?

Would it be,emotionless
would it be,more emotions that person cant handle
would it be no morals at all
would it be ruthlessness that takes over

Would they really let that monster
that one monster,slip
and take every fiber of their being
every breathe they have breathed
to change them into this...
to change them into something
they cant fathom?

Is that what they really want?
Or is it something else there
their conscience trying to break free
trying to tell them, what is right from wrong
to whisper some little hint of guilt
they want to get rid of
yet they cant...

Maybe and maybe not
We will never truly know
till one day, we
will unleash that monster
unleash the darkness
within ourselves

and i bet,we will not like
what we will see
what was hiding from us
all that time

wont like what we have created
over the years in innocent trust
and will that innocent be lost forever???

who will ever know.....the unknown of ourselves....
About this Entry
Jul. 14th, 2011 @ 01:41 am Writer's Block: Subtitles please
What is your favorite foreign film? Do you think there should be an American remake?

Loved Let the right one in... and it did have an American remake which really sucks. Should not make remakes unless they are going to be just as good or even a bit better.
About this Entry
Jul. 12th, 2011 @ 12:16 pm Not having a job rant....
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 So many deluded people out there today. I just got done reading something off of wire club that So called stuff can be done easily and others cant be. I see it in a different light but of course i get knocked down for it in a way of my thinking.

Okay so the thing was about jobs being a bouncy ball and bouncing back from it. This kinda strikes me since i am looking for work and its been three years. My positive out look on it is gone because who the hell wants to keep that delusion going. I sure as hell don't. So anyways what I'm going to write on is this.

Jobs, most people think it is sooooo easy to get another job. And if you don't have one then you are consider A.) a bum B.)lazy and don't want to get work C.) stupid and etc. But what about those who try their hardest to get a job and never can? What do you call them? Hm.

Yes, this hits a sensitive spot for me since all my dreams and hopes are just hanging right in front of me but i cant reach them because... Ding ding you got it, no job.

The reason i cant get one is because economy sucks like a mother fucker and because I'm in a small ass city that you have to know every one to just get a job. And I'm neither a native here nor knowing anyone. So yes you got it, cant get a damn job.

I've had so many people say go to another city, well I'm so fucking poor, no car for one, so how am i suppose to go to another city? hm you ask me that one, genius.

Two, Ive had people tell me to move. Hm okay, if it is hard for me to get food each and every day, how do you suppose i go to another state? Where is this so called money to get a house and etc? Because i sure as hell don't have money nor people to go too.

This is what gets me. To the people who really need help but never get it. I am one of those people. And it makes me so angry that this little teenagers get all the damn help in the world or have every one love them. While i have shit. Yes, i know i was born to suffer but hell could ease it by having a somewhat easy life, oh wait that is another delusion people want me to live. Yea, not going to happen.

Its like no matter what i do, its like oh your just whining about it, if you really wanted to do something about it you can. SO i propose them my situation and you know what i get for their answers? Oh you guessed it, silence. Nothing, notta. So i think people should keep their damn mouths shut, when you don't know what its like to be in this situation.

To those who think its so easy getting a job, ill tell you this, sure its easy to get one, when your little friends give you a job, have family members know others and you get it, or you have money and went to school. People are just not grateful for the things they get in life. Try actually being in a spot that you don't have any help. That in some way you have to do it on your own. No one would stay in this position for a long time.

I know I'm going to get off topic for a bit, but it sorta ties into this rant. So everyone knows or at least suspects it since of my screen names and such, that I'm in a D/s relationship. And everyone that i talk to on wire club or any where else who are in it, i tell them a lot of things. Like for one cant show any pics, what a shock to that. And two, that W/we don't have a lot of sex.

Ive had quite a lot, if not most of the people Ive talked to just iggy me or leave the chat because they can never handle being in my situation. Its like oh its so horrible to not have sex. No, what it is, is that today's society is nothing but sex addicts. If you don't have sex or don't like it then your a freak. yup, I'm a freak and so is Daddy.

But to that knowledge the reason i brought it up, is that most don't know exactly what i go through, and i really don't like talking about how much my life sucks. The reason I'm on here is to get away from it for a few moments. But of course you get a lot of people assuming every little thing.

But when i do tell just a tiny bit of what i am going through or went through, its like oh i can never go through that. Duh, because one you didn't live at that time and because it will probably never happen to you. So you just ignore it and go on your merry way.

I've had a lot of people ask me if i believe in God. Yes, i do. But you know your faith gets worn out from it as well. Sometimes, i know i do, you just want to relax and just forget everything and not really pray for a while. I do this at times to recollect and get myself back to me. Its just hard to believe that God will help you in your darkest times. I know He has helped but you are like damn when can you intercede again.

Its like you need a vacation from your life, but never get it. And it drives people insane and I'm kinda climbing to the edge with that again. I do try to keep my hopes up but i know in my heart and the back of my mind i know I'm just trying to delude myself for just one minute so i can be calm and sleep and etc.

So next time, people please think before you speak....wait no one does that anymore...
About this Entry
Jul. 10th, 2011 @ 10:17 pm Today isnt my day.....
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
 Okay I'm going to try this one more time before i completely give up. Not in the mood for it to keep wiping whatever i post. So this is my last time in trying this.

okay, so where was i. oh yea, I'm not having a good day at all. I didn't get that much sleep last night and when i did get to bed i had nightmares. I just want for once in my life, not to have nightmares at all. That is a wish that will never be granted.

So after I'm finally awake, I'm still not feeling so well, but had to get food. Oh fun,not. So i thought today would be a good day to go, since a lot of the dumb ass people would go to the Folk Festival. Boy was i wrong on that. Get to wal-mart and every aisle i went down, everyone just had to go there as well and get in my damn way. At one point i was intentionally going to run over this one lady. She just stood in the middle of the aisle staring at me, like I'm the crazy one,so i thought, fine you want to see a crazy person, you got one. Finally got our food and went to Taco bell, since I'm not in the mood to cook tonight.

After that we are on our way home. Yay, i thought since I'm not feeling so well. Well the dumb ass uncle hits a huge pot hole and about three seconds later the car starts stalling. Oh great, i thought, this is just what i need. So we are basically gliding for now, and Daddy says just pull it over on the side of the road. Does the uncle listen, nope, he keeps going and thinks hey we can get up this hill. okay, you do the math. A car that isn't going and a huge hill, which will win? Ding, ding, the hill wins. You know why, because the car is dead, duh. SO we have our butt in the middle of traffic and just making it hard on other people. (which i really hate)

So we are sitting there, and the uncle is already huffing and puffing, panic attack. Rolls eyes, nothing to worry about. Then he whips out his meds and says i need to take the paxil. Yea, here is the guilting already.(He always does this, like its our fault). Rolls eyes on that as well.

After a few minutes he gets out and asks what could it be. Daddy pipes in and says well the pot hole hit it pretty hard it must of loosen something in the back. Does he listen, nope he doesn't. He pops open the hood and looks. Of course nothing wrong there. And then my worse fears come alive. I really hate being stranded in this city, because once you are stuck then all the homeless, drunk and crazy people come out. And sure enough they did. The dude comes up and like what happened. I'm like great, this is why i want to trek home. Because they just come out. Sigh, so he looks under the hood, and he is smoking, yea great for me and Daddy's lungs.

I step out of the car and just go and sit on the bench across the road. Glad i did, because another homeless,drunk comes up and asks what is going on.( i don't mind homeless people, but here they are really bad, mostly pedo's, drunk or crazy) After a while they try and move the car. I feel sorry for the guys because the uncle is pretty big and they have to push the car. yea, he gets out finally realizing it, and asks daddy to steer the car. It was sad, it took three people to push the car.

Finally got the car out of the way, and the one guy says well maybe you need to hit the restart button. And he asks to look it up in the manual. So finally the uncle does that, and hits it and it starts up fine. He had to call up his buddy to tell him not to come at all.

I was pretty worried the whole time, for one it was almost night time and this city isn't the safest to be out at night. Two i was worried the cold food would spoil and of course the uncle wouldn't reimburse us for it. Also i kept thinking, i just want to walk home. It is the same distance maybe a few more inches farther than what i do walk. But of course the uncle didn't want to do that, since he doesn't walk at all. Plus he said to not leave him.

That kinda made me mad because he only thinks it's OUR problem when he is in trouble. But once me and Daddy are in trouble, then its just me and daddy's problem not his.Why it makes me mad. I hate people who think that every little problem they have, want you to be there and help but once you are in a situation they think well its yours not mine. And go on their own way. They only care about them-self but no one else's feelings and etc.

One reason why i want out of here, so bad. Plus another thing that is coming up, is that he is going on a bi weekly payment instead of him getting it every week. Me and Daddy are thinking that he just trying to make an excuse to not give us the food money.(which is our money in the first place) I just really hate living here. I really truly want out. I wish we could get jobs and just get out of here and be on our own. See once we had money, we were doing just fine. I really wish God will help us soon enough. To get us back up on our feet.

Two more things before i end this. I got punished yesterday, for back talking Daddy. I really didn't mean it, but i haven't been feeling well and i was in a grumpy mood. He punished me by biting my lips pretty hard, which kinda hurt to this day. I'm trying my hardest to be better, but it kinda sucks when you are in pain.

Then to the next thing, I'm still reading the Terry Goodkind book. I'm about a hundred some odd pages and its really good. I pretty much hooked on it. It reminds me of his TV series, Legend of the Seekers, wondering if it is from that. But all and all will be reading all his books. Glad i found another author to like.

Okay this is the end of my rant. until next time...
About this Entry
Jul. 7th, 2011 @ 07:08 pm Watched Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence......
 Okay i went downstairs to watch some t.v. with Daddy and he had it on i guess the PBS world. Which has some good shows on it, but not this one. I come down and they are talking about ferrets. Okay, i like ferrets, so i start watching it.

At first it seemed alright, the women who had the ferrets would bury them or cremate them and keep them in the house. I thought that was sane.
Now here comes the crazy part, on a commercial, Daddy informs me that, this one lady said, that the ferrets had their own Heaven called, " The Rainbow Gate". This is where my confidence in these people start to drop.

I try to ignore it at first, I'm like okay, its just one nut, this i can ignore, but as the show progressed, i came close to crying. Because they are man handling the ferrets for one. Two, these people don't love these animals, they are just prizes for them.

Like for instant, they were talking about the show. Which i didn't even know they had, till now. Apparently all these people go there and try to win show for their ferrets. They kept showing the ferrets, and they were miserable. A couple of times, they dressed them up, and you looked into their eyes, they were like,"get me out of this". Some actually bit, which i was saying, yes, do it again.

They keep them in the cages a lot of the time, which you arnt really suppose to do. They are like all other animals, they need to exercise and etc. Another thing, that got me, and i think i cried a bit. Is that before the show, some people actually turned up their AC to make the ferrets coat thicker. Now that is just plain mean. You do know that screws up their bodies.

Another thing that they do before the show, is this one lady, used her regular shampoo on the ferret. To give the coat a glossy color. Well hello, they have animal shampoo for a reason. The reason being is that fur and hair are two different things. Have to different make ups and if you use human shampoo on an animal, it screws the fur up. It makes them smell bad for one, and two, you are just killing the fur, and probably in the end gonna hurt them even more so.

These people say, oh, how much i love my ferret. But when you look into these people's eyes, you don't see any love. It was like when they didn't hear their name being called, for a ribbon, they were disappointed and kinda manhandled their animal more. But once they did place, the ferret got all the lovings and such.

I hate to say this but this is animal cruelty at its finest. I mean, the reason we have pets is to love them, to take care of them. Not to be so obsessed over them, and that they should be just that. They arnt trophy's. But i guess no matter what there will be cruelty every where. I just cant handle seeing it though.
About this Entry
Jul. 7th, 2011 @ 07:07 pm Tired of this "Ginger" thing coming up.......
 Okay in the past i could ignore it, since stupid people are always out there, but this is becoming ridiculous. Daddy is on twitter and tells me that "Gingers" is trending. I mean what the hell, and it is them who are trending it. Why are we making a huge deal out of it?
Who really cares if you have red, blonde, black, brunette hair. Who really gives a fuck, oh wait, teenagers do. Since they have all petty problems that this arises. I mean come on, what is going on with our society. That since no oppression is going on, that someone has to make up a stupid one, and be hated for it. I mean seriously, can we stop with the stupid shit, and look at the bigger picture, but i guess I'm dreaming on that.

The reason this makes me mad, is that yes, a little bit of my heritage is Irish, and i was born with red hair, but then turned black and then went to dirty blonde and it stuck. And i am proud to have Irish and all the rest of my nationality, i guess you can say that's what i am. So why are we hating on the "red haired" people? (No other way to put it. ) I mean come on, what are you going to call me, since I'm in the B.D.S.M lifestyle, an owned slave, who is also gothic and etc? hmmmm....

All i do know, is this really needs to stop. I mean come on teenagers please stop the petty squabbling and see that there is more problems out there, than who has red hair or not. I wish my life was so fucking petty that i could do this... but yet i am mature and look at people's personality instead of what color hair or whatever they are.

Today's teenagers are really petty, stupid and just plain ignorant. It's like after the eighties and early nineties, the next generation of kids just became really stupid. And you can blame it on a lot of society, Internet and etc.
Society gives them the freedom to do what they want, and that is being annoying ass kids. Getting into people's faces and start stuff. If it was like back then, we would of just popped them in the face and they would stop, but now a days, you have so many fucking laws that it isn't funny. Also it is parents who give them this freedom. Let them do what they please and that is being ignorant. I mean does anyone raise children anymore? Apparently not. Sigh..

Okay, I'm kinda getting off topic, but still this is just so stupid. And they "hate" these kids with a passion. The question is why? What made them hate them to the point of throwing rocks and what not? I think its pretty lame, and I'm okay with you being proud if you are Irish and etc, but please stop posting," I am a Ginger and proud". That is just starting stuff. Who really cares if you have red hair? Who cares what you are. Just be yourself.. but now a days, no can be that.
About this Entry
Jul. 4th, 2011 @ 03:32 am Happy Fourth of July, guys
 well today is Fourth of July and i wanted to say Happy Fourth of July to everyone. Yesterday got to see the public fireworks here, which were alright, and shot off some of our own. It was pretty fun having a little outing. I want everyone to have a safe Fourth of July.
About this Entry
Jul. 4th, 2011 @ 03:30 am Writer's Block: Let freedom ring
How do you celebrate Independence Day in your country?

A few days before the public fire works, we do our own. And then on the third we watch the public fire works....
About this Entry
Jun. 30th, 2011 @ 06:08 pm My lovely trip to the ER......
Current Mood: annoyed and sore
 Got in at two or three something am for anal bleeding and stomach pains. Guy that gets me in is sorta nice. Then wait for maybe a minute or two and get called back. Okay all fine and dandy there. Then i get a nurse name Stacy, okay i guess we are fine there. Sit down and talked about what is going on while I'm in pan.Not a good idea.
I tell her my problems and she writes maybe one two little words. Okay this is where we go down hill. Okay, takes blood pressure and my vital signs. Okay fine in that area. She goes and i have to get in the damn gown. Hate that part. And subtle asks me oh pee in the cup. Glares, not good. Leaves while i did that, and i put it where it is suppose to go.
Okay i sit there waiting as patiently as i can. Look at the pee cup, still sitting there after twenty minutes, then thirty minutes rolls around, and its still on the table. Okay not a good sign. After about an hour and twenty minutes passes by she finally comes back and guess what Ashley sees, you guessed it, iv and blood tests. Oh joy for me. NOT! She comes back after taking the pee, finally.
And rolls out the tourniquet and what not. I'm like okay, lets get this over with. I sit up since I'm kinda use to doing that, and i tell them not once but three times, take the blood from my RIGHT arm. not my left. Did they listen, nope. Went directly to the left arm, she poked me, boyyyy did that hurt, and not only did she do that, but she wiggles it around and even further up the arm. Now by this time I'm trying not to pass out, and throw up. I was so fucking dizzy. And to make matters worse, she is like okay I'm going to pump some air into it. Oh great, so she connects it to the needle and makes it hurt ten times worse. I look at Daddy and I'm about to cry. She finally takes the needle out and puts the little gauze on my arm, and drops my vial. Nice move. Picks it up, but takes her hand off the gauze, nice move there, not.
Then they go for the tape, I'm like, i cant have it, I'm allergic to it, then try getting me the other tape. More i think of it, i am allergic to that as well, thank goodness she didn't put that on me. Puts on the red gauzy tape and proceeds to the right arm. I'm thinking at this point, about time. OH man am i soo wrong on this. So she goes to the next arm and cant seem to find a vein. I tell her go for the huge vein on my lower arm, its where every one takes it. She looks but doesn't see anything. So she goes and gets another person to do it.

At this point I'm thinking okay they can get it and i can be out of here. Fine lets get it done. The guy comes in and acts like he is going to do surgery on me. Propping things up, jacking up the damn bed really high, puts up the rails and everything. I'm like why are you doing this in the back of my mind but he just keeps doing what he wants. He goes out for a second and I'm just staring at Daddy with my eyes, saying what the hell is he doing now.
He comes back and he takes my arm and i have it hanging there and he gets pretty close to it. My hand actually brushed his you know what twice and i jerked away. Does that probably another two times, and he pokes me, wiggles the damn needle around and gets nothing. So he tries or looks for another place to try,pokes me another time, says fuck it and goes away.

I wait there and then someone else comes in. She says, she is the supervisor nurse and that she can get it. We chat a bit, was friendly till i got to the parents are abusive part. She got quiet and guess what, still cant get it. Guess what they do, wiggle it and dig it deeper into me. I just cringe on it.. and she says well i cant get it. I only do it twice, which she did and said that's enough. I'm going to have to get the lab tech. Before the lab tech comes in, she comes back with two stuff animals, since i had tiger and lambie, which are my animals with me, she came in and said here you go this is for abusing you. I'm like okay. Daddy and i play with the stuff animals and waited, once again.
About twenty minutes later, the lab tech lady comes in. She finally gets some blood out of me, and it starts clotting up about ohh half way through it. She said, Damn girl. Because it only filled all four vials less than half way up. She is like well i think this is enough. I'm like finally.
They go and i have to lay on my side since I'm hurting a lot. Then two minutes later someone comes in and says well we are going to do a pelvic exam. Oh fun.

Well i told the lady shes gonna have to wait a second, I'm hurting here and have to flip back on my back. I did that, man did that hurt. then made me scoot all the way up, and then started getting things ready. I'm sitting there waiting and i just hear all of this stuff going on, and the doc comes in and starts doing it. Okay now here is the fun part, he just pops the fucker right in, no relaxing nothing just bam. Which hurt like a mother fucker.
Then as i hear from Daddy later, the fucking thing broke. Great and he didn't know what he was doing, and kept looking at his watch. Yea, not good. The nurse is acting like a serious nurse, asking like do you need this doctor, or here doctor, this. Which was sorta funny.
Then he starts talking unprofessionally. Saying whats moving, and it wont sit still. Said look at this nurse, it just keeps popping. At this point, I'm like just get it done. Finally swab me for STD'S and etc. and says, literally, well since the anal is here lets just do that, and without warning just pops the fucker in.
I'm crying at this point, because he doesn't do it once, he does it twice. Says nothing from the pelvic nor the anal. And just leaves. But i think the thing that got on my nerves the most, was when i was spread open, the nurse kept going in and out of the damn room. And they didn't bother to put the curtain around me at all. Came close to cussing her ass out.

But, they just leave and I'm sitting there crying, because the pain is ten times worse now, and i have nothing to take it away. Daddy was there the whole time with me, rubbing my arm, kissing my head, saying its okay. The doctors kept trying to push him out. I got pretty mad there, he is my fiancee and i say he stays and I'm glad he did.

After a few minutes, the doc comes back and says everything is normal, and looks at me weird for hanging on the side of the bed. And ask whats wrong, I'm like duh, I'm fucking hurting, why do you think i came in, to blow money and just make things up.
Then comes back and says well the blood work and everything came back negative and not sure what it is. So, he just kinda blows air for a second or two and then Daddy starts talking to him, since no one wants to believe a word of what i say, and then hes like, at the very end asks, well do you want a colonoscopy or the hemorrhoids and follow up with a stomach doctor.
I glared at his ass and said not the colon thing and hes like well you may have too. I just give hm a mean stare. He is like what do you want, i lay my head back down and, just said do what the fuck you want. I'm tired, hungry and just want to go home.

So he kinda rocks back and forth on his heels and looks at his watch and says in his own words, well why don't we say its hemorrhoids and call it a day. I'm like fine, go away. Before we left Daddy asked if i could have a painkiller pill, but they look at me and said well we can do the iv, but don't want to stick her and i didn't want it either.
Two hours for four vials of blood,and Two nurses,one supervisor and a lab tech, yea probably same amount for the iv. No thank you. But they gave me a fucking prescription i have to fill out to get the pain meds. Like wth.

I'm so use to Gallatin's, where they ask what you want and go to their little medicine cabinet and give you a pill right then and there. NO IVs. But finally they let me go, yay thought i was on the home stretch, NOT! I get out and then i have this rude lady, like Ashley i need your insurance info, I'm like i don't have any. So i just go over, and she is like sit, and I'm like no I'm hurting and gives me a weird look. Then she goes on with the stuff, and asks for a phone. Yea, I don't have a phone, told her that like seven times, i know what her game was, but i really don't have a phone. Hell I'm poor, if i come in with no insurance that means i don't have money. I got asked if i worked, like ten times maybe, if not more than that. So Daddy just shut her up and gave his uncles phone number. Then shes like okay you are done. Yea thought there was suppose to be all this info you needed from me. Glared at her pretty mean and just went. Walked straight home, which took a bit.

Time i got out it was close to eight am. Not feeling so well and cuddling with my animals. I got two free stuff animals from the hospital as a bribe. But that isn't going to take away the soreness, the mental stuff and how i am feeling. I know i am reporting this, and it wont go unheard. But that is how my day sorta went..
About this Entry
Jun. 30th, 2011 @ 01:49 am (no subject)
Current Mood: ambivalent
 Okay today i have a big rant i need to get out of me. Lets go with yesterday's little outbursts i had. I was very upset wth Daddy for what he did, talking to other Dommes. Which he said he wouldnt do. I got very emotional but i thnk its because i kept a lot of things in me. And i just let them build up so much that i just explode on a simple little thing. I had a big break down from just a lot of stress things going on and etc. To the point i came close to cutting again. But i knew that would hurt Daddy a lot and break O/our trust. I still keep hearing the voices, but this time last night it was calling my name and said something else, but in a womans voice, and really soft. I heard it a couple of times. This is nerve wracking.

This is bringing up some really bad memories and of course feelings. Im not sure what i can do at this point. I have no money to go in and just "talk" to a counselor and etc. I think that is why i had a break down is holding in my feelings towards this. Its really bothering me. Coming more so now than they ever did and im not sure why. Maybe a memory wants to come and pop its ugly unnoticable little head up and say hi i think its time you remember me. I have enough memories to go through, enough feelings to sort through, than to deal with this one. Am i ready to deal with another problem in my life? Or should i say past? I dont feel like im ready, dont feel like i am capable of dealing with this memory. I feel like if this one comes up, i dont know, feels like it is worse than any of the others that have popped back into my life. Feel like i will let out my darker self and let her play for a bit and really dont want that. Why i have so many restrictions inside myself, so many nos and boundaries of what is good and what is hers.

Its like i have me and then have her. I know i sound crazy but its how i feel. And when a newe memory pops up, this is her time to escape her little cage and play for a bit. I always dread this. Not sure how could cope with it, how Daddy will cope with it. I just dont like showing people who i am because im afriad that i will be abandoned once again. Which i have numerous times. And im always afriad that i will loose the only one i love so dear to me. Afriad that he leaves or what not if i can even be sane. He is the only one that has kept me sane, other than God. I just dont think i can face it again. Probably why i break down so much. And this is the only thing that keeps me semi sane when im in a break down mode.

I also noticed that lately ive been dreaming pretty crazy dreams. IF it isnt black outs, where i dont remember my dreams and its just pitch black, but wake up in a cold sweat and know that i did dream about something, probably the memory that wants to come up. Or i have really insane sci fi/fantasy ones. And that is what im getting now. Except for last night. I wake up and im in a strange mood all day afterwards. NOt sure why i am like that. But im feeling really weird today and i cant really pin point why i feel so out of place. Like i forgot something but i know i didnt. It has been one of those days, and ive been forgetting a lot of things and also i have been checking my body out, and im gettng scratches and bruises again and i havent done anything to create them. I always get them during my black outs. I think its because i move alot from that memory or what not and i tend to hurt myself and never know it, since in those black outs i sleep pretty deep.

But hm I know im rambling a lot, but this is what im feeling and thinking at the moment. Okay on the brighter and cheerful thngs.... W/we got some extra money, from Daddy's mom. Wasnt expecting money at all. But W/we got it. Will be getting Daddy's medicine but also we have a little spending money. I got some new books. Yay. Im so happy. I love to read and finally got a few more books. I got Terry Goodkind, three books of his and another one is a Victoran era one. I have heard good things about Terry Goodkind books and now im going to see if it is truly good.

Im really pleased to get some books. Been looking for some sci fi books to read and i came across his, which i helped with Cancer as well. Books were only a dollar so i helped with four buck towards cancer research. I always love doing that, since my family has almost all kinds of cancer running through it and it is one of the hardest diseases to help cure. But im kinda getting tired of the known books that im into. Its like music with me. It gets old after so many times and this is it for the books. I havent read a good sci fi book for a long while and im crossing my fingers that i found one to my liking. I will blog later, with reviews and updates with my progress on it. To show what think about the book and what i found interesting in it.

Okay thnk im done rambling now. Until next time.....
About this Entry